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Torn between two.

I feel the dark clouds of loneliness creeping in on me. It feels as though I’m in a gigantic empty plot of land and a huge storm accompanied side by side with black clouds is approaching my way. The clouds caving in, taking the form of a ring that shrinks and gets smaller each second. My stomach turns, I feel uneasy as though I may faint. My chest grows tighter and tighter, and I fear I may have a cardiac arrest. I look around for a distraction but there is nothing in sight nor a sound to be heard, not even the quietest of crickets. Nothing to be heard or seen for kilometers. I realize that I’m all alone and in that second, as though it was perfectly timed… a flash of lighting consumes the night sky in a blinding white light.

Suddenly there were paroxysm of lighting, one after another they flickered, performing an elegant yet frightening dance,

My stomach sinks to the ground,

My chest tightens,

My breathing becomes more rapid and my hands start sweating,

I feel as though I’m staring death right in its face.

Should I scream?

Should I cry and plead? Will it make any difference?

Why does loneliness have this potent terrifying sensation? why does it keep me up at night?

How can it possibly be so powerful even when I’m in a room overflowing with people I love?

What grip does it have on me?

Why does it have such a strong hold on me?

What is wrong with me? Why do I let it in when I know for a fact that it is hell bent on hurting me badly, what should I do to prevent it from hosting me hostage, a prisoner in my own life?

Why do I trust you so deeply, why do I trust you with my life? How do I allow myself to listen to your deceptive words, your poetic and majestic brainwashing sentimental words?

When I’m with you all I feel is heartache and pain when I know I’m loved… or at least I think I know I am loved. You distort everything around me, you make everything worse. You tell me that I’m all alone and that I will forever be alone. You tell me that when I lie next to someone I love- that they don’t love me. Do you remember each word you whispered with your forked, snake tongue that stabbed me deep within my heart and crushed every glimpse of hope I had for true love? Can you recall how every time I felt like giving love a try, you would whisper in my ear ‘they do not love you’, ‘they do not care about you’. They will simply use you and when someone better comes along, they will abandon you like everyone before. You are not a prize, not a treasure. You are not someone they can be proud to have by their side, you are not special. They will never love you because you are not worthy of love and you will never be loved. Only an absolute demented idiot would fall for such a mess, such a wreck…such a disappointment.

Can you remember each blow to the chest you caused me when I tried to make friends? Do you remember each word you uttered; each word as cold as ice in the form of a spike? You always uttered “They do not enjoy your company; they do not care about what you think. They do not respect you; they speak about you behind your back. Why do you think they never invite you over or out? They are probably out right now; in fact, they are probably out with your lover seducing them. They are all going behind your back because they do not care what you feel or think, they do not value you and they wish you were not around. You are all alone.” You always whisper such harsh, painful words just before you go dead silent leaving your words to echo in my head. Every ballet concert I did, you would find me before I had to perform and whisper in my ear “You suck at ballet, you should just quit. No one would notice your absence, you cannot even dance. You look like a huge, talentless whale on the stage amongst elegant, beautiful prodigies.” Each word sank deeper into my mind, never leaving my side and forever instilling fear in my heart.

You constantly whisper in my ear and pull me down, further down than the deepest abyss, highest pressured ocean. With each whisper, I feel as though I can feel your icy breath. Your breath is so cold reminding me of the bone chilling grim reaper.

I always try to block you out,

I always try to stay a busy bee,

But the second I have time,

Time to relax, the second I am still and quiet- I get chills crawling up my spine,

I can feel each goose bump forming,

One by one, they start at the lowest part of my spine and creepily crawl their way up until the top of my neck is reached. It feels as though a piece of ice from the Antarctic taking on the form of a snake and slowly slithering up my back.

Then a lump appears in my throat, leaving me incapable of uttering a word or swallowing a sip of water. I feel myself turning pale as I can almost hear you coming for me. My hearing becomes distorted, the same way my eyes lose focus and everything blurs. Every sound around me fades away into nothingness, as though I’m wearing sound impenetrable headsets, the only sound that remains is the air and echoing sound of your voice as you stand behind me, in front of me, side by side. My knees tremble with weakness. I want you to go away, to leave me alone…. yet I also want you to stay a while, ironic I am not alone.

You have somehow become a somewhat soothing presence. With you around, I feel a little less alone. As though I have found some comfort in loneliness. As though you stretched your arms wide open for me, like you are ready to embrace me and hold me tighter than ever before. I know I should not turn to you; I know I should not go to you for a false sense of love yet I want to. I sometimes get the urge to embrace you and your freezing companion. I know I must not, yet my body pulls towards you as though I am a magnet to this negativity.

I know I should not even have these thoughts or feelings; I should fear you. I should not await your visits but I cannot help myself. You love to visit me and sadly I enjoy the company, I sometimes find myself lying awake awaiting your arrival. I have grown obsessed with the swirl of feeling excited yet fearful, I have become addicted to this insane feeling of false, messed up love.  You come to me with open arms, no matter how scary they are. You invite me in, you frighten me to make sure I jump into your arms.

I’m stuck between letting you in, holding you close, and letting you go and embracing self-love.

I am stuck between embracing darkness and lightness.

I’m stuck between embracing loneliness and companionship.

I’m stuck between embracing being alone and choosing love.

I’m stuck between embracing staying in my comfort zone and risking it all.

I want to go for love, I want to go for lightness, I want to go for companionship and I want to risk it all. Yet I still find myself intrigued and fascinated by loneliness, darkness and staying in my comfort zone. I must make my choice, you are familiar and comforting but I know with you, I will not be happy. Love is exciting and exhilarating, yet risky and      I fear the day it crumbles before my eyes. My life is short and I should be willing to risk it all because there is no guarantee of a tomorrow.

Blog post by Simmonne Malan.