There was a time in my life when I couldn’t make the connection between my fear of success or failure, being rooted in my fear around rejection. I was rejected by my father from before I was even born, and whether I believed it or not- that rejection has plagued most of my life and life’s decisions. When something good happens for me, I feel like it can’t be real, I downplay how hard I’ve worked or dismissed the accomplishment altogether. When something bad happens, it makes sense to me, ‘of course, this would happen’ I think and feel.
No one could have convinced me that my issues stemmed from my father, the wound that had been left open for some time. That being rejected was the very first thing I experienced in this life, therefore, that was my base point for decisions. My expectation had been hardwired for rejection. And life is a scary thing from that vantage point. We tend to not trust our judgment and hand our lives over to other people to fix, or we blame them for not being able to fix what is unhealed. Have you taken the time to question where things you struggle to get “right” in life stem from?
This series #HealYourStufftoTransform is dedicated to helping us navigate our childhood wounds. We can deny it all we want (I know I did for some time), but our childhood wounds dictate the way we live our current lives. When we are born, some psychologists argue that even before we are born, imprints are made on us. The baby growing in the tummy of a woman, who would rather not have it, begins to experience rejection before it is even born. The child, like me, who never receives love from their father becomes intimately bonded with rejection, abandonment, and lack of trust in others.
Unless we seek out to recognize and heal these wounded parts of ourselves, the trajectory of our lives blindly moves to the beat of the drum of our inner child, and the inner child is hurt and will tantrum and render our lives a little senseless. If you have ever asked yourself, “What am I doing with my life?”, “Why aren’t things working the way I imagined?” or felt the need to reconnect with parts of your family. Africans are big on the latter, going back to our roots; shows like Khumbul’Ekhaya highlight this part, the need to reconnect so that your life can get back on track, this all points to the inner child looking to heal the childhood wounds.
The Need To Evolve
Any evolution stems from seeking higher for oneself or the collective. This holds in the issue of childhood wounds, you seek to know more because you know there has to be more to life, there has to be more to the things you can do and achieve. I know I needed to evolve if I was going to get on route to living my best life. This is the hard part, the part where you have to be brutally honest with yourself, the part where you have to claim your stuff, the part where you recognize you have wounds and it is now your job to heal them. This part hurt the most, for me, having to admit that I play the victim, ‘my life would have been better had my father been in my life,’ sound familiar to anyone? Recognizing that I take this same mentality to all my male relationships and sometimes even my friendships, the idea that people owed me their time and energy because ‘poor me I’ve endured so much already.’ These are not conscious thoughts but, thoughts and patterns I have come to unravel during this journey of healing.
The need to evolve requires that you admit you have wounds that are disrupting the life you dream of living. It means admitting that your wounds are making your relationships harder than they need to be and that your only recourse is to heal or keep living out the patterns that yield the same fruitless results or leave you constantly yearning. When you have recognized your wounds and have spotted the patterns it is time to engage in the hard work required to evolve past your childhood wounds. This part takes time, I am still on this journey and some days are better than others. I have come to be fully accepting of the fact that healing isn’t chronological therefore it requires patience, gentleness, and bucket loads of love with and for self.
The focus of the series
To navigate life you need a plan and so too, when you are eager to start the journey to healing, a plan is needed. Of course, plans don’t always go according to our planning, but even so, it is good to start with some level of direction and steps in place. With that in mind, this four-part series has a plan too and the plan or focus for the next four weeks is to: explore the two foundational childhood wounds. We will start by exploring the father wound for both boys and girls, then we will look at the mother wound. This part is to help us to begin to recognize the wounds and spot the patterns and then we will work through, in the last two weeks, the process of beginning to heal these wounded parts, suggestions on how to begin unblocking the stuck parts in your life and watch your life flourish.
The journey to healing has been a transformative one for me, I am nowhere near where I want to be but, I have grown in leaps and bounds and I am eager to help others do the same. Before this journey I was a reactive person, I looked for someone to blame, I yearned for approval and I was the epitome of a damsel in distress looking for daddy’s love. All these traits aren’t completely gone but, being on this journey has helped me stop and evaluate before I act and this has been the single most transformative practice in my life to date. If you are ready to start putting the hurt pieces into perspective and are ready to see your life transform, stick around for the next few weeks, send through your questions or comments and let us engage in collective healing.
Which wounds are you on the journey to heal?
And how can I help you?
Blogpost by: Mandisa Avutia